She Loves to Dance!!

And I most certainly do!!  Both music and dance are another big part of me. This is who I am!

As I start to introduce my real self,  I am going to tell you about my passion for music and dance.  These have always both been so powerful for me and have really helped me process and navigate my way through life.    

Music is where I seek my enjoyment, my space, my respite from the world because when I listen to music I somehow escape, I go somewhere else. Somewhere deep but exciting because whatever song I have chosen to play, somehow enables me to feel, to feel the real me and allows me to feel that little bit braver.     
This is a part of me that has always been there but now I am putting it in writing for the whole world to see!   

A lot of people like music and a bit of a boogie but for me music is so much more. Music gives me one of those profound feelings that I find so hard to explain.   It is very rare that I come across a person that actually feels the same way but I know I am not alone in feeling this and there are people out there that can actually fully relate.

Along with the music comes the dance. I danced for many years when I was younger with my ultimate goal to attend the Royal Ballet School.   But in life's true form it took a different turn and so this was not to be.     However my love for dance still continues and this is a way I can show my passion and my emotions for music and somehow release these emotions.  Fast or slow music, dancing -  tap, modern or  ballet. The music embraces me or I embrace the music and the dance allows me to recognise and express these feelings, it allows me to somehow release these powerful emotions that sit so deeply inside of me.

I will be honest, the last couple of days haven't been great for me. Yes, it's happened again.  I knew it would because this is just how the journey of mental health goes.   One minute you're in full control and before you know it that dark cloud is looming over you. But it is ok, I will not get frustrated with myself because this is part of the journey.  This is what I have been learning in therapy, to independently use those vital skills, those life skills to help pull me through times like this.   Again I will say this has not been an easy process for me and mistakes have been made, however through lots of practice it has become easier.    I still have a lot of skills to learn. In particular the skill of self compassion, self love, allowing myself to see and feel my own self worth but for now I still know enough to get me through to correctly acknowledge these dark, deep feelings and move forward. 

So that dark cloud.... I have noticed over the last few days that I am clenching my hands, clenching my feet, trying to hang on.  This is my sure sign that I am going into 'fight or flight' mode and then it's so easy for Mr OCD to pay me a visit. My energy drains, I feel sad, pained and so tired.

I use the analogy of the 'dark cloud'  because clouds float, right? They move, they pass over,  just like I know this mood will. The dark cloud will stay for a while, it may rain but it will dissipate or slowly move on and then just like that, the white fluffy clouds will appear, maybe even some bright blue sky with blazing hot sunshine and that blazing hot sunshine feels so good. Believe me, I have felt it recently and it is possible to feel it again because clouds come and they go and the real me loves the sunshine!!

Sunshine, music, dance, where is this all going?   Well, as I write this blog and reflect on the emotions that come with music and how I learned to dance, it can be compared to the journey of  learning to live with a mental health condition. 

When I  learned to dance I had  a dance teacher because without a teacher how the hell would I know where to start?  In my mental health journey I have a psychologist because believe me with this severe complex case of OCD I really had no idea where to start.

I attended dance lessons, I attend therapy sessions.

I learned the basics of dance, I learned the basic therapy tools and in both cases the 'basics' are crucial to be able to progress.

The dance steps got harder, but the dance teacher was there to guide and to correct me.  The therapy gets harder but my psychologist is there praising, guiding, helping me find my way through.

Then one day it gets really hard.  The dance teacher gives me a step and I think to myself,   'how am I ever going to be able to do this? Jump, stay up in the air, move that leg, with pointed feet, still pull up through my body, add in the arm movements and still look elegant and then to top things off, I have to land lightly on the floor!'

I would attempt that step, probably very badly and clumsily and it may hurt as I use different muscles that are not my strongest but she wouldn't have set that step if she didn't believe I could do it. All it took was a little bit of  practice and some self belief! 

  
Then compare that to the time where my psychologist broaches something that is very deep, something I have to tackle if I am going to get better, to get stronger to beat this demon, OCD.
She looks at me and gently says 'that really scares you, doesn't it?'  and I might be crying or I might have that ' rabbit in the headlight' look, as she calls it. 

So we discuss, she offers guidance, maybe options- different routes we can take. I have to say I usually opt for the hardest route, because that is me. If I am going to do something, I am going to do it properly!  We agree on our route and then she talks to me about what I need to do.  She introduces the new skill, very slowly and there it is again, that ' rabbit in the headlight' look.  Sometimes we will both laugh because we both know that I am thinking,     'how am I ever going to be able to do this?'  
Or sometimes I will just sit there sobbing, so scared that I am never going to beat this awful condition that has controlled me for most of my life.  

However the first small step of this new skill is set as  homework because my psychologist knows that I can do this and again all it takes is courage and a bit of self belief.    I walk out of that therapy room, put my music on and I reflect and over the next few days I will continue to reflect on what I have to do.  Until one day I am ready to take that step. I pluck up the courage and I try it! .    Once more, the first time I try, I may not get it right and again it will hurt  because this may not be that unused muscle like in dance but I am uncovering emotions, feelings that I have kept hidden and protected for so long and now I have to face them.  Despite the pain caused by both dance and therapy I know I would practice over and over again. and as I practice, the pain passes and I become stronger until the step and new skill can be performed almost effortlessly.

In both dance and therapy.  You learn, you express yourself, it is not always easy, it hurts, it can be frustrating,  you have to practice until it becomes second nature but once you have accomplished it, you will never forget it and it will always be a part of you.

What I am trying to say is,  just like I have learned to dance I have had to  learn (and still learning) to manage my condition. Yes, I  believe it will never be cured but I can control Mr OCD, rather than him control me and as the true me comes out I can even go as far as to stick my tongue out him and laugh at him because this girl is strong and she will live the rest of her life to it's full.

Honestly if you could have seen me twelve years ago or even just two years ago to who I am today, I am sure you would be very surprised.

I know I am!  

I can now sit here and believe this dark cloud  hanging over me will pass and it won't be long until I can feel the sunshine. 

Through learning and trying these small steps, practicing and fine tweaking  it is starting to allow the real me to be revealed.  This is someone I have never truly known and do you know I quite like this girl! 

I am so excited to reveal more of her and I know I can reveal more if I continue dancing my way through life.    If I can just practice those awkward steps until they become fluent,  If I can just recognise that when life changes the tempo of music and those steps become a bit too much I can alter the steps.   I can change that double pirouette to a single or that arabesque doesn't have to be held for quite so long. I may even choose to remove that step until I have time to do it justice or go as far as to change to a different style of dance altogether!  The real me recognises all of the above and knows that she doesn't have to deal with all her emotions all at once.  It's ok to take her time and take one step at a time.

But rest assured that when the correct tempo resumes, she will practice those steps until they become second nature and she will dance on that stage doing the choreography justice, she will dance to her full potential because she loves to be on stage.  She loves to be noticed, she loves to shine, she loves to feel beautiful and on that stage she feels all of this. 

 
Oh my goodness to feel beautiful, to feel noticed and appreciated for who she really is- How bloody great would that be? 

I sit here crying now because these feelings are so bloody raw and painful. Yet, look, I am still brave enough to continue writing!!!   I can continue writing because this girl is brave, this girl is strong, she will continue to dance to her full potential and she will shine! (I am not sure about the beautiful bit, that is going to take a lot more work,  haha!) but this girl is not hiding, she is not a shadow, this girl has confidence and will be seen. 

As long as she has her stage  - life and music (and maybe a little sunshine!) she will give it her all because....    This girl loves to dance, dance and dance!!! 

Thank you again for reading and until next time.

That Girl With OCD xx