Bang, bump, thud!!! Sorry, that is the sound of me hitting the floor!
Please excuse me while I just lay here, looking up at the sky reflecting, pondering and trying to work out why I hurt so much and why I feel so bloody sad. Why I feel scared, nervous and why I just want to hide away in a corner and just simply disappear.
This cloud hanging over me is big. It's massive. A huge dark 'snow' cloud that fills the whole of the visible sky.
'You stupid cow', it's all your fault, you are pathetic. You, beautiful? That's a joke, you can never be more than this weak, ugly person and that's exactly what you deserve. No one likes you. People just tolerate you because they have to. You are just absolutely pathetic' ,
Then comes the sound of a piercing scream. The scream that tries to block out these nasty words, The scream that somehow provides protection because there is no other way to escape!!
Oh by the way, that above? That is me talking to me.
It's only recently that I have noticed how badly I talk to myself.(one of the skills I have been practicing) and I must say even I am shocked at the severe and despicable words that I use. Words I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. Yet in some odd way it feels safe to speak to myself in such a manner because this is what I believe others think of me and when I feel this I can't feel any love or any kindness from anyone. Just deep, deep hurt, upset and pain!!
So as I lay here while the snow is falling heavily (by the way I hate the bloody cold!) I hear this small, hurt person inside calling out. Wanting, needing someone to help her. She's crying. She wants to be hugged tightly, to be told it's all going to be ok. She desperately wants this pain to go away and the loneliness to be replaced with love. She wants to feel beautiful and wanted! Yet of course no one hears her cries because she has hidden again. All very safe, tucked away in a tight ball in the corner away from the world.
But something does find her. It sniffs out the weakness, the self loathing, the self hate. Something that loves it when that small amount of self confidence is chipped away, when those everyday decisions that had started to become second nature become such hard work again, so confusing, so unsafe. Yep! Mr OCD has found me!
Let me briefly introduce you to my OCD. Over the years it has presented itself in all different shapes and forms which includes checking, contamination, obscene intrusive thoughts (I've now learned are just thoughts!), constantly going through a thought process - mentally checking every part of the process for mistakes or risks, confessing, constantly seeking reassurance and more. You see, my OCD thrives on me being good. It tells me I must never make a mistake, I must be very very, very honest - to the extent that I was once confessing near enough anything that entered my head and once these were confessed it would somehow send even more thoughts to confess.
My OCD does recognise that no one could be that honest but it expects me to because if I am not I am bad! Very, very bad and bad things happen to bad people. And even though that small inner voice cries out that she is good, she is a loving person, she loves with all her heart, she is kind - it is not good enough for the OCD.
Then the self hate and the feelings of not being good enough get bigger and then she tries to love harder, she tries so hard to be an even better person and still it is not good enough and it never will be and this leaves her very vulnerable to getting hurt from even the smallest thing.
So Mr OCD finds me in my weak state, exhausted from life's stresses and strains. He beckons me to come with him, he gently tells me he can help. He is the only one that hears my cry for help and he is there for me. My old friend Mr OCD.
I take his hand because I can't tolerate the hurt, pain and loneliness anymore. But this is like a toxic relationship. The kind where he will pretend to be there for me. Let's face it he gives me the company I crave in this dark and lonely place. He can make me feel so damn good for a small time and in that time I feel ok like I can continue with life, that feeling of just right but this feeling does not last for long. However when you are feeling this hurt and immense torment, that small moment of good is bliss!
Just like a toxic relationship as quick as the good comes, it is replaced with torment and meanness. Mr OCD is a bully, a horrible mean, underhanded bully. Yet he has me hooked . He is the one that comes to me and says it's ok. He will look after me, make me feel good.
So this is how it works:
Mr OCD looks for things that could go wrong. Events, possibilities that could be dangerous. Scanning every part of my past, present and future so quickly, I don't even notice. By this time I am in fight or flight mode. The adrenaline is running through my body, my body is filled with anxiety. My toes and hands constantly clenched, my stomach churns, my whole body becomes stiff, the little breaths that I take are stuck in my chest, my head starts to wobble as if it is too heavy for my body, I feel a numbness like pins and needles in the left side of my head. My heart is thumping....... I need to escape..... so my shoulders become hunched to try and protect myself......help!! I need to get out of this. What can I do?
Mr OCD whispers.... 'go check because what if? Think about the consequences if you don't check. I can not believe you have thoughts like that, you are horrible. What do you think people would think of you if they knew you were having those thoughts? You are dishonest, disgusting and bad.' I try to argue, explain to him. However he just laughs at me and says ' what good, kind and loving person, has those thoughts or doesn't take their responsibilities seriously. Check, check, check. Confess, confess, confess. This will make you good. You say you are good, kind and honest but are you really? Go on check, confess that will show everyone how good you are and maybe you will even be noticed and thought as, as a good person by others'
So I think to myself ' he's right. I have had this bad thought (bad thought, bad person) or I could do something to prevent something bad from happening here. I could prevent something from going wrong' and just when I think the anxiety is the strongest I could ever feel it somehow manages to find another level.... the whispers come again 'bad, bad, bad, horrible, selfish, ugly, pathetic'. Even in this state of anxiety, further sadness, hurt and pain still manages to envelope me. I need to be good, I need to be noticed for what I really am. I need to show that I am not this bad person that people think I am (or should I say me and Mr OCD) . By not doing as he tells me could make me far worse' The screaming is there again, I can not get rid of it all..... there's so much going on in my head. Too much..... I can not cope..... it's too much, my head is going to explode. He keeps whispering and whispering and I believe him..... And there it is;
I check, confess or carry out whatever compulsion Mr OCD has told me to do. And as I start that compulsion the adrenaline is running so fast and the anxiety again raises to another level until...... The compulsion is complete and wow that feeling! The adrenaline is released from my body and the anxiety vanishes. That feeling of just right, that blissful relief!!!
All good then. I can get on with life. That feels better. I don't feel like I am a good person like he said I would but hey maybe this is just how I am meant to feel and I am never going to feel any better. At least that awful debilitating anxiety has gone.
NO, NO, NO! He's just whispered to me again. 'Did you really check that properly? Have you thought about this? Go on just check / confess one more time' Again I am in fight or flight mode, the adrenaline is running fast, the anxiety is immense. ' Go on once more. You want to be a good, honest person don't you? Didn't it feel good last time? Go on, go on' So I do carry out the compulsion again and again it feels good but this time the 'good' feeling doesn't last quite as long as last time because he is there again scanning everything again and his whispers become faster and faster and I complete the compulsion again and again. Each time the compulsion is performed, the amount of time I get that 'just right' feeling gets shorter and shorter. I need that 'just right' feeling because it is the only way I can escape. So the cycle goes on and on and on.... Fight or flight, anxiety, adrenaline, whispers, bad, horrible, disgusting'
Each time I perform that compulsion the self loathing and hate digs in deeper and any self confidence and ability to make even the smallest decision independently is chipped away and I am exhausted, I grow weaker and weaker. I hate myself so much and that small, hidden person is crying because she has tried her hardest and it simply isn't good enough. She will never be beautiful, she will never be seen as what she really is, she will never be seen as that kind person that loves so hard. She will just be this weak, ugly pathetic individual. So what's the point? Why bother?
And there you have it. A brief introduction to my OCD.
Sitting here writing this I can tell you that it does make me sad that I have this condition. That for over 40 years, my life has been controlled by this but with the help of my amazing psychotherapist I have had to accept that OCD will always be part of me but there are ways to effectively manage this bully and not let him dictate to me.
So as the snow falls heavily, endeavouring to extinguish the fire that has stirred in my real self, I choose not to let it because I am strong and I know however big the cloud, however dark the cloud it WILL pass. The flame that the snow is trying so hard to dampen is still burning. The real me is still there and I can still feel her, that flutter of excitement as this new person emerges. But to allow her to fully emerge I know I must deal with this, deal with these storms effectively and I can and I will.
I still need time to fully reflect on this 'episode' and what it means. I will tell you about that in my next blog.
However I will say, when I think about Mr OCD leading me by the hand I always think about me as a little girl being led. However the process of psychotherapy has allowed me, the real me to say 'ENOUGH Mr OCD!' The real me can hold my hand out to that little girl and as she pulls away from the grips of Mr OCD and we gently hold hands, we look at each other and I feel her pain. The real me smiles gently and gives her a look to say 'I understand' and I know she knows that look to mean she is safe because she is sensitive and can feel these things. So we turn our back on Mr OCD and still hand in hand we slowly walk away, leaving him behind. I tell the little girl that she is beautiful, kind and caring and as I look into her big brown eyes I can see that she is struggling to believe this but that is ok this is just the beginning, I have only just rescued her. I take one last look back at Mr OCD and he looks so small and this isn't just because of the distance we have walked, it is because he is losing his power. I look at the little girl and we smile at each other and continue walking further and further away. I turn to her and give her a hug and as I see Mr OCD fading further and further away I whisper gently and firmly to the little girl and tell her that...
'She's got this!!'
Thank you again for reading and until next time.
That Girl With OCD xx
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Comments
Hi Maddie, Well done for sharing this! You must be proud to get to where you are now and in control! Amazing that you are sharing this and I hope you will continue on this journey! Take care Wendy
Beautifully written, I know that must of been hard to write. No one can speak as awful as we do to ourselves. Give yourself that much needed kind words. Amazing blogs Maddie