She's A Sensitive Soul !!

Published on 14 September 2022 at 15:09

This is me, according to my psychologist and apparently that's just the way I was born!

I will be honest, I am finding this particular blog quite hard to write in the sense that it's hard for me to express and articulate what this means to me because it is a big part of who I am.

Is it a strength or a weakness? Is it a good trait or bad?

Being a sensitive person has caused me a lot of hurt and pain in the past and truthfully it still can. The hurt and pain the sensitivity causes is part of the reason the OCD finds it so easy to hook onto me and start controlling me.

Let me try and explain.......

I have used the word 'debilitating' previously especially when describing the feeling of anxiety and OCD. However I would also use this word to describe the hurt and pain from being sensitive. Just someone's wrong tone of voice, an off -the- cuff remark or an odd look can somehow cut so deep.

The feeling I can only explain as being scolded, reprimanded as a child. The embarrassment and humiliation that comes with it because somehow the feeling of blame and wrongfulness lies with me.

And what happens is I turn inward and hide, not able to stick up for myself . At this time my head starts to search for something that I have done wrong. Telling myself that these people were right and that I must have done something wrong, I am useless or why else would they have spoken or looked at me in this way. I just wasn't good enough, it was all me, my fault, my problem.

My body starts to turn numb with sadness and my eyes prick, then the tears and then the self berating.... bloody crying again!! There is nothing else that I can do as the sadness and embarrassment envelopes the whole of my insides but to hide and cry.

It doesn't even enter my head that it wasn't me with the problem, it wasn't my fault and maybe just maybe I had a right to feel hurt. Well actually it does enter my head but this feeling of sadness and the searching in my head has knocked any strength and any confidence I have to stick up for myself because I might be wrong and if I am wrong, a whole new set of negative emotions would stir and then more self loathing. If I do find a tiny bit of strength to challenge the situation I am so easily knocked back into that place because my confidence is so low I could never win. So I stay hidden and full of sadness.

As I hide from the situation and from the pain, who is lurking in the side lines? Yes you've guessed. Mr OCD, ready to pull me in again, ready to be my friend and pretend to protect me and then I am off on the OCD cycle.

This is me just in an everyday situation. The pain can be absolutely excruciating when a situation or person does something that would normally hurt anyone deeply.

However as the real me starts to evolve and I start to master the skill of recognising the emotion, acknowledging the feeling and letting it be there without fighting it. The self loathing is not so quick to grip on to me. and gives me the space to briefly reflect and stay in control of what I need to do.

I recall a therapy session, very early into the start of my two year psychotherapy, where I asked my psychologist if she could recommend any books on self confidence? Ready with my notebook and pen ready to jot down the titles - I'm a very meticulous client..... even in therapy I have to be the best!! But that's another blog!

Anyway, as I sit and await the titles of these books that I think are going to give me ultra confidence and change my life! She suggests that maybe I might prefer to concentrate on self compassion, self kindness and soothing. At that point I looked at her with a horrified expression ( she knows the face I mean)

'Be kind to myself ? Why would I want to do that? How's that going to help me to be confident? I think to myself.

But I'm willing to give anything a go and so I asked, 'how do I do that then?' and we smiled at each other because honestly, I had no idea how to be kind to myself and why I would want to be because I really thought of myself as an ugly, worthless, useless human being and the only reason I could find to justify my existence was to be there for others, give my all to people, to be a good girl. Others were all that mattered, I could cope without my own needs being met.

Once again my psychologist was right!

What I need to do is to be kind to myself, self soothe, give myself the same empathy, understanding, compassion as I give others. Which I have to say as a 'sensitive soul' the giving is immense because I care, I care so bloody much and with care comes big feeling, big emotions and the receiving is not big enough to fill the hole of what others and situations have taken from me. But if I can give myself a little something back that hole is not quite as deep.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way and I am not asking for sympathy because this is the way I was made, this is who I am. But I would sometimes appreciate a little bit of understanding, just as I take the time to try and understand others. This though, is not always possible and I know this. Some people just don't understand and that is okay too. I can not let myself be fully reliant on others to fill the hole because each time they fail to return the compassion, the understanding, the caring, the love, it hurts, it hurts so bloody much and this is another reason I must try to give MYSELF understanding, compassion and most importantly love.

Through my 40 plus years, I have never been able to give this to myself. It is so alien to me. Yet this is what I must work on to let the real me out, to let the real me progress.

This has been a very emotional piece for me as these feelings are still very raw but I am going to be that strong, brave girl that I have always been. I will continue learning how to be kind to myself, to love myself and one day in the not too distant future I will fly!

I have a few books and links to websites and of course my psychologist to help, so as I further learn and discover I will share the books, titles and links that I have found useful.

I would also like to add that I am not an angel far from it actually. I get things wrong, I can say and do the wrong things, I make mistakes but I must accept that this is ok, we're all humans. Just because I make a mistake does not make me a bad, bad person.

So the answer to the question..... strength or weakness? Good trait or bad?.....

I believe that being sensitive is a good quality to have. I am so proud that I am a good, kind, understanding person, I will not give up and I will try my hardest to achieve. Caring and loving so deeply may leave me very exposed to getting hurt but caring and loving like this can also feel so good. So definitely a strength. I love these qualities and I love the fact that I am using these words to describe ME because I am a Sensitive Soul!!!!

She's A Sensitive Soul !!

That Girl With OCD xx

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