I'm not giving up....
This is me on the last leg of the journey home from our family holiday. Where I gave myself time to reflect on the past to think about the future.
If I'm honest, I have had a wobble over the last couple of days. Both my sisters could see that I was slightly withdrawn and quieter. That is their sign that I am starting to struggle inside. My phone was nearly hidden from me to stop me from constantly checking. 'Just one more check', my OCD quietly whispered. 'What if this?....What if that.... and because of that, this might happen? And so I check.
Phew I haven't done anything wrong, it's ok.....relief!
Then the OCD answers back 'but have you done something wrong?' Then the mental compulsions start, I am on the path now, it has got me where it wants me. I'm trying so hard to remember what I saw. Then another level of mental checks kick in to check, the check of the previous check and another then another..... stop!!! With each check the self doubt gets bigger and bigger because the OCD has zapped any self confidence and ability to make even a small decision away and there it is the OCD has won again, I check my phone!
On this occasion this must have happened about 15 times until my sister noticed and asked me to hand my phone to her but I didn't because even though I was filled with this debilitating anxiety of which the OCD makes you believe the only way to relieve is to follow its lead. I took a deep breath, dug deep for that strength I knew I had and I took control. I put my phone down myself and sat with the anxiety, it still whispered, bloody evil bully, but I told myself this is just OCD. I labelled it for what it was, tried to refocus and let it just bounce around until the anxiety started to diminish and the OCD lost some of its power.
Haha OCD, I won that one. You may have won a couple of games but I won the set!!!
Later, I calmly reflect on how it all happened. I managed to identify the trigger and how the OCD had managed to entice me to its dark world again without me noticing. I do not feel ready to expand on this as the emotions of this small episode are still quite raw but I am sure I will share someday.
This is why I owe my psychologist so much thanks. She has taught me this skill to be able to reflect and identify and it doesn't matter how far I am in the grips of OCD I can still get out. It's ok if I fall, it's going to happen. I will not think of myself as a failure. These coping mechanisms have been part of me for so long that when someone hurts me, when I have a disagreement with someone, when a situation is painful, when I'm in a stressful situation this is going to be the easiest way to go as old habits die hard. But little by little I am mastering this skill. It has taken a long, long time but through my frustration, my tears, my pain, my heartbreak, my feelings of hopelessness, she has given me praise, compassion ( things I am still learning to give myself) for every little step I have taken - I say little step but each step takes a lot of hard work and courage. This skill has opened up a whole new world to me as I can say, 'I am me, I am not my OCD!'.
As I feel this power, dare I say I feel a little more confident and excited about life as I start this new chapter as the real me. Don't get me wrong, I know that I will still have my episodes, my good times and my bad times but I am strong and as I continue on my journey developing my skill set I know that I have the strength to beat it and carry on.
So this girl is not just going home from her holiday, this girl is going home to the real her!
Thank you again for taking the time to read this and until next time.
That Girl With OCD xx
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