44! How the hell did that happen??
As I sit here by the pool in the sun (not a bad way to be spending my birthday) I contemplate the 44 years that have passed me by and I have to say I have no regrets. Yes there are parts of my life which have been challenging to say the least, I've said the wrong thing, hurt people, could have handled things a little differently but regrets? No!
We all have those thoughts of how our life is not how we imagined it to be when we were younger. I recently had a conversation with someone, who's opinion I value, about whether it would be good if we could take a sneak peek into our future and it was agreed no. What we have experienced in life has shaped us into the people we are today. Yes the route will have been tougher, do we have scars to show for taking that route? Hell yes! Will life have dealt us cards that we don't deserve, will there be heart wrenching, painful, hurtful moments on that journey? Again yes. But this is how we learn, this is what I believe makes us who we are today and if that's still not who we want to be, there is still time.
There are still things in life that I want and goals that I want to achieve and there are things that I could have done slightly different, but these can not be changed. The only way I have learned is to reflect, acknowledge the feeling and stay in the present and learn. So no regrets!
This has not been at all easy for me. The blood, sweat and tears I have gone through to just believe and understand in this is immense. I know this is the tool to use but it takes guts and courage to trust and use it and I am certainly not fully competent in using this tool of reflection, acknowledge without judgement. But day by day bit by bit, I will get there and it will help me to be that girl I want to be.
So as I sit here going into my 45th year, surrounded by my family I promise myself, that I will mindfully reflect and not battle with the self loathing, not continually tell myself that I am not good enough.
I am so happy to be on holiday with my husband, daughter, my two sisters and their families, whom I love so much and have so much respect for. Of course we have our moments but don't all families? But these people have been my strength, my support, my friends and I am so lucky to have them.
This year is going to be a good year. I will try and not look back on that moment before and not reprimand myself for getting it wrong, I will just acknowledge that is how I'm feeling and say it's ok and let that feeling just float around without judgment.
I will have my bad days and the OCD may win for a bit but I will get back up, dust myself off and continue taking the next step to becoming the true me.
This first blog is for all the people I have met in my life who have taken the time to get to know the real me, who have made me laugh, let me cry and taken the time to try and understand, who have advised me and encouraged me. Thank you all so much you!
I am now going to read my book, relax in the sun and remember reflect not regret!
Thank you for taking the time to read this and until next time.
That Girl With OCD xx
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